Cosmic Bongo

Having a snowboarding blog is great fun because I get to share my ideas and theories on snowboarding with you.

Snowboarding is full of style, bravado and lunacy, that’s why I love it, especially the lunacy.

Like all the best sports, when you first start out trying to find your feet, in snowboarding you will feel uncoordinated and clumsy, with arms and legs flailing wildly in every direction and spending more time on your sore arse than gliding gracefully down the hill; I am sorry I cannot help you bluff in this.

Every snowboarder,  even the pros, have to endure the aching arse and bruised knees, but what I can help you bluff  after all that hard work is give you the tools to join in with the boarders at the bars and parties at the end of the day, without feeling like a the new kid at school.

There are 2 ways of feeling more confident; the hard way, by spending every season in the mountains, spending every waking moment on the slopes or in the snow park, nursing all those bumps and bruises with tiger balm and arnica cream, all washed down with a Jägermeister or 2, and finally by reading and watching every DVD and snowboard magazines you can get your grubby hands on, just to learn the fine art of snowboarding.

This is the fun, but the hard and expensive way, only achievable by rich kids or snow bums (like me).

If you don’t have the time and money to waste and you are new to the sport, there is another way to look good on the slopes and feel like you belong at the après ski bars.

So read and follow the advice in my bluffer’s guide to snowboarding.

The skill of bluffing in snowboarding comprises of 3 basic disciplines: Style, attitude and lingo (slang).

STYLE:

Style is the life blood of snowboarding from the graphics on your board down to how you drink schnapps.

Yes, believe it or not, there is a way of drinking schnapps that gives the impression you’re an old hand at everything après ski.

Pick up and hold the schnapps shot glass between your thumb and pinkie (as shown in the picture below), this is the way true Austrians drink their schnapps, plus it looks rather dapper, so forget cab 900’s; you will really set the mark in the bars with this little manoeuvre.

How you look on the slopes is the key to bluffing in snowboarding: a sick jacket, pants and don’t forget that killer woolly hat (see my previous posts) are the next essentials you need.

So before you go rushing from pillar to post like a headless goat looking for that perfect jacket or snowboarding pants, stop! Take your time; first, buy a couple of snowboard magazines and scout out the latest snowboarding fashions; see what colours and styles catch your eye?

My advice here would be not to concentrate too much on one particular jacket or pants and to focus on which colours combinations you like best; that way you will not need to break the bank to achieve that sick look and when in doubt, go baggy. Snowboarding’s roots and style are firmly set in surfing and skateboarding; both these sports have a rebellious side which passed over to snowboarding. When snowboarding first hit the slopes in the 90’s, skiing was very prim and proper with tight one piece suits all the rage, with an attitude to match.

You can still see the one-pieces and attitude on the hill today with the older folk, but don’t let that worry you; today’s younger skiers have adopted snowboarding’s sense of style, so the only way to tell a boarder and skier apart are the skis and poles.

So don’t be afraid to go a size bigger, gangster style, especially with the pants.

I would recommend wearing dark jacket and bright or colourful trousers or vice versa; for example, normally I wear a black jacket and gold- yellow baggy snowboard pants with a black and yellow woolly hat with giant pompom to match (remember the hat makes the statement on the slopes and in the après ski bar).

Try not to go for big bright on bright or matching jacket and pants look; you will need to be a jib master or king of the snow park, to carry this look off, so if you’re neither, you could be branded with the “all the gear and no idea” tag, and that is never good, so always go with understated but stylish: keep the jacket and snowboard pants simple but go nuts with that woolly hat.

Once you have decided on your look, that’s where the fun really begins; start off buy popping down to your local snowboard shop and see if they have a sale on; May to late September is best for picking up a bargain as most shops and online stores have sales in this period to clear out old stock, so shop around; there is no way you should have to pay full price.

The online shops I normally use are: bargain boards, two seasons and extreme pie; they are all great for service and advice sheer choice of gear; so have a peep and start planning your style now!

Attitude:

Attitude is more like common sense; enjoy yourself, you’re on holiday in the mountains; don’t take it too seriously and teach as many people to drink schnapps properly, also share the Cosmic Bongo Ski Bingo game with them, it is a great ice breaker and will give you huge props.

Lingo:

Ok, snowboarding lingo or slang can be daunting; it’s always changing from season to season and different crews have different meanings for most words. The trick to sounding like you understand is simple: you don’t need to throw in all the words at once to sound cool and never call anyone dude, save that for the Ninja Turtle conventions.

I have compiled a list of the most important words you are likely to need.

Butter or Buttering

This refers to a tail press on flatland or a box. Example: “I totally landed that switch butter!”

Goofy

Riding with the right foot in front instead of the left foot which is the normal stance, or “regular”.

Grab

Grabbing the board with one hand during a trick.

Groms

Began as a term for young surfers but has been adopted by snowboarders and freeskiers.

Half-pipe

A man-made snow tube. Envision a large, long pipe cut in half lengthwise.

Jib or Jibbing

The act of riding on something other than snow, i.e. rails, trees, garbage cans, logs.

Kicker

A kick or kicker refers to a man-made jump in the snow-park or one you build yourself.

Pow or Powder

This refers to fresh snow, the deeper the better. Example: “The powder was sick; it must have puked all night.”

Puke or Puked

This refers to a heavy snow fall. Example: “It puked on the hill all day.”

Rails:

A handrail, but it can be made of anything (including a stairway rail). They come in many shapes from straight to a roller coaster.

Sick

Sick refers to anything good, as does gnarly.

Here is a video I found to explain how snowboarding slang can be used.

Advanced Snowboarding Lingo — powered by eHow.com

Finally to help you understand the basic grab positions of a snowboard, here is a little diagram by Niki Lin; you don’t need to learn all the positions, so don’t  panic, just remember the nose, tail, indy and melon hand holds or grabs.

Until next time…………………………